The first six weeks

The first thing that hits you when you walk into an SCBU is the noise. Monitors beep every few seconds and the staff rush around looking after the babies (they generally look after 3 babies each and there were around 16 in this SCBU).
The one noise you will never hear in the SCBU is the sound of babies crying. 16 babies and not a peep. That's because most of the little mites are tucked away in incubators that are virtually sound proof. Its a surreal experience and I never want to hear the sound of a heart rate monitor again. Rahul and I can't bear the sound and if we ever hear it on TV we shudder.
Amelie had to stay in hospital for six weeks before we were allowed to take her home. This was incredibly draining for both Rahul and myself. Not only did we have to drive to the hospital everyday (an hour round trip) but we also had to watch her in her incubator. It was like being in a zoo. Horrible. As she grew stronger and the risk of infection passed we were able to take her out but it was such a faff. In the beginning we had to get a nurse to help as all her wires just got in the way. As we became more confident we were able to do it ourselves. We also got to change her nappy (the size of a dollies!) and feed her but this had to be done through the two holes in the side of the incubator. No mean feat sometimes! Amelie was fed through a tube for the first five weeks of her life. It was horrible. As she began to consume more milk the tube became more and more uncomfortable for her and often she would bring all the milk back up again. This would happen over and over again and it could take an hour to feed her 60mls of milk. Tiring when you are standing up, holding the feeding tube in your hand. I am also conviced that this is where her reflux started (more of that later).
As well as dealing with your own shock at having a baby in the SCBU you are also witness to other people's suffering. Some of the babies in the unit were smaller than Amelie and lots were seriously ill. You try not to look at other babies in the incubators and focus on your own but sometimes you would glance over and see a poor little mite on a respitator. It was really emotionally draining and I hope that all the babies who were in the unit are now home with the families. Again, we were so incredibly lucky that our little girl was just small.
After five weeks in an incubator Amelie was moved to a hospital closer to home and was taken out of the heated perspex box and put in a open cot (a perspex box without a lid!). This was a real trumph as it meant she was getting big enough to come home. A real milestone.

Those first few days

Anyone who tells you that a c section is a piece of cake is lying and I will never understand why anyone would choose to have one. Its major abdominal surgery and it takes a while to recover. Because I had to have a blood transfusion I was very weak and in a lot of pain for a few days after the op. All in all I was in hospital for 5 days. The first night was horrible. I was away from my little girl in a high dependency unit and my body was still in shock. I was shaking for the entire night and got very little sleep. The next morning a nurse came to bathe me - there is no dignity after a major op! - and Rahul wheeled me up to see Amelie in the SCBU (Special Baby Unit). It was wonderful and horrible to see her in the incubator. Wonderful because it was the first time I had really seen her up close and horrible because she was hooked up to loads of tubes and was so tiny (1.098kgs). She was also very hairy - she still had all the down that was keeping her warm in my womb! To not be able to cuddle her and say hello was very hard and I knew from that point that breast feeding was going to be very hard. I couldn't bond with my baby and my milk would probably be slow in coming. It was. I managed to express all of my colostrum and some milk for around 2 weeks and then it dried up. I have to say I felt like a very bad mother and it took me a long time to get over the fact that Amelie would not be breast fed. Once again my baby girl was not getting the start in life that I had hoped for.

Because she was so small she had to be transferred to the Lister hospital in Stevenage which had a Level 3 (the highest level) SCBU. I was very weak that day and the specialist team who would be transporting her wheeled her down to see me on the maternity ward (I was moved out of high dependency). The incubator was very high tech but I was assured that she was fine and that all the wires etc. were just a precautionary measure. Nevertheless I was terrified for her. What made it worse was the fact that I couldn't travel with her. In fact I wasn't moved to the Lister until the following day (my first - and last I hope - trip in an ambulance). It was really hard knowing that she was in another hospital several miles away. The only way I got through the rest of the day and some of the following was to tell myself that she was in excellent hands and that I had to concentrate on getting stronger.